Funeral Wishes

Help Deciding Funeral Arrangements In Advance

I’m available in whatever shape or form would be useful to you in terms of advance preparation for a funeral – whether that be weeks, months, years or decades ahead.

Here are some examples of pre-decided funeral wishes.

B had had a heart condition for many years, and I responded to a request to go and sit with him in hospital for an hour or so, to make notes whilst he reflected back on his life. He wasn’t interested in anything other than reflecting, because he wanted the preparations for his funeral to be as easy for his wife as possible.

I made notes, went home and typed them up, and then mailed them to B’s wife. She then called me with a couple of tiny amendments, and both she and I kept them on hand.

Sadly B died about three weeks later. We used his reflections as the basis for a Celebration of his Life.

Six weeks later B’s wife asked me to meet with her to do the same for her – they had no children together, and having been through the funeral arrangements for B, she decided to sort all her affairs out and pre-prepare too. 

I have a copy of her reflections on file, as does her executor. Whilst she would like me to be the person to hold her funeral ceremony, and I’d be honoured to do so, practically we know that I may not be available at the time. Because her executor has a copy of the reflections too, they can be passed on to whoever holds the funeral for her.

M is a woman in her fifties. She’s a single mum with three daughters who were varying in ages from 14 - 18 when we met. She had been having stressful thoughts about how her daughters would cope if something happened to her, and felt quite emotional about thinking about such an eventuality. We met in her home and worked our way through a series of questions as I took notes. Some of her preferences were undecided and so when necessary I offered ideas.

Other than opting for cremation over burial, for many aspects of the funeral preparations M didn’t mind what her daughters chose, so long as they didn’t feel as if they had to spend a lot of money. Still she realised it would be helpful to say she didn’t mind what they chose and have it in writing so as to avoid potential disagreements between them.

J is a young at heart, spritely and nature loving sixty year old. She is spiritual rather than religious, and given her friends would likely be able to care for her body at home, she realised she needed to put her wishes in writing so that her daughter and executor would carry out her wishes. Her daughter is a little more conventional than J, so if J didn’t express her wishes, she might not get them!

M is a devout Christian so there’s no question that she’d like an orthodox Christian ceremony, and a burial to be laid to rest in the cemetery alongside her husband. Her daughter realised if something happened to her mum, she wouldn’t know some of the detail that her mum had known for her dad’s funeral. It was helpful to ask M what hymns and readings she would choose, which church and vicar she would prefer (there are two she’s associated with), if she particularly wanted anyone else to speak or not; if she had a preference of type of coffin, flowers and clothing. Also did she have a preference for where we’d go to for refreshments afterwards, and a preferred charity? Small things perhaps, but because we’ve got her wishes in writing, her daughter won’t forget, and her son and daughter won’t be able to argue about it!

And of course I’ve done my own funeral wishes. I was born in Yorkshire and I live in Scotland – I needed to be clear where my funeral would take place – in my home town or where I live now? I have very particular wishes which take care of my Mum, as we expect that I would outlive her, but I’ll need to update my wishes on her departure from this earth, as if my choices didn’t need to take special care of her, my choices would be different. 

I would choose cremation over burial. I’d like my ashes scattered on Findhorn beach, and most definitely don’t want my ashes split and scattered in several places. I have a preference around the type of ceremony, where it’s held and how it’s held, and a preference for my choice of Minister and Funeral Director. With regards to certain aspects of the content of my funeral I don’t mind what’s chosen, but realise it would be helpful to nominate particular family and friends to make those choices.